A Day in the life....

I figured out what my problem is.... my inner turmoil with this frustration I've been carrying around. It's that every week, every day is like Groundhog's day for me. It's the same, we have a routine because that is how this house, this family, can function best. I am just on cruise control, automatic pilot and I long for more time. My biggest issue is about time-there's not enough time in the day. It's not complaining per se because I don't- I'm not grumbling... I'm just at this point where I feel like I am struggling??? or it's just a constant race, me against the clock to see who can win.
Today for example
5am- alarm goes off so I can run 3 miles
hit alarm off roll over and accidentally fall back asleep
6am- wake up and panic
shower, make bed, get dressed, get kids up at 6:40, make their beds, put clothes in dryer
brush their teeth, get them to potty, wash their hands, do abby's hair, get aidan dressed
7:01 downstairs feed kids, feed dog, make mine and Rick's lunches for the next day
poop dog, eat cereal, load dishwasher
7:20 finish my hair, load car, put ice things in kids lunches
7:45 leave house, drive to Costco to get gas, drop kids at daycare
8:09 get coffee, stop at winco for cibatta bread
8:37 LATE for work
4:05 pick kids up
home 4:25ish unload car, check mail, wash hands, give juice, take cooper outside, make kids lunches for next day, unload dishwasher, take cooper out again to poop, my mom comes over to visit, make dinner, wrap Coopers birthday presents (don't ask)
5:55 eat with kids, clean up kitchen, vacuum downstairs, mop downstairs bathroom and hardwood floors, pick up toys
7:03 upstairs unload dryer, kids in bath
7:34 kids out of bath, brush teeth, dry abby's hair, trim abby's bangs, put load in washer
7:50 read to kids, prayers, bed, fold and put away clothes, change into running clothes
8:07 run only 2 miles still full from dinner and want to barf
8:34 finish scrubbing downstairs floors
9:08 upstairs to pound out this rambling post
9:30 hopefully in bed reading scripture, watch a little tv or movie with hubs and nighty night by 10:15ish

And tomorrow it starts all over only I'll be running at 5am since Friday night is grocery shopping night and possibly some ironing needs to be done. Most nights I even do dinner prep for the following night's meal. And there is all the background noise in the my head saying, don't forget to write the note the for the kids that they are missing next Wed, and don't forget to mail the birthday card (to the wrong house ha ha), or take the so and so out of the freezer, or don't forget to re-paint your toenails (yeah weird like that).
I'm not trying to be indulgent. There are plenty of working mom's with more than 2 kids, and even single mothers who do it all alone. I have PLENTY of help, even as I'm running on the treadmill tonight my husband greets me with, "What can I do to help?" And on Wed, Thurs and Fri I don't even put in a full 8 hours at work. I used to read scripture in the morning, but Abby is an early riser, or I would do it when I was eating my cereal, but the kids were a distraction and again- race against the clock to get us out the door. So I feel like He gets my leftovers. As does my husband. Serve HIM first, serve your husband. I'm failing.... and flailing. I keep hubs fed-make his lunch, he comes home to dinner and a clean house at least and his clothes are ironed. We've talked about maybe selling this house and buying something smaller but what does that change? Less square footage to clean??? There will still be living to do and lunches to make. It all just reminds me of that commercial, where they say life comes at you fast. This is why I get emotional when the loose tooth comes, or a milestone is reached, because I am rushing... rushing through the day, to get to the next task and I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want to miss out and yet it's passing me by. I am content. That's a good thing. Frustrated sure.... tired definitely but we have our health, each other, we're employed, we're fed. HE MEETS OUR NEEDS.
I don't really have a complete thought from all of this other than it was just an ah-ha moment today. I've been really struggling for months now, trying to figure it out- even questioning if I was/am suffering from depression. But it's all just about being on auto-pilot. I feel like I've been doing that for so long that I forgot/am forgetting how to LIVE outside of this routine. Even to say, I feel like I lost my mind- not in just the forgetful things I do all the time, but just not having to use my brain. I miss my brain. Funny- I could have just wrote that one sentence. It says it all.